I need a new job. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy or have a really impressive title, but I do have a few conditions. Here they are:
1) My bonuses have to be tied to my performance, but inversely. I want to be able to fail — and fail spectacularly — and then be rewarded spectacularly.
2) Once I have successfully driven whatever I’m responsible for into the ground, I want to be able to turn to somebody — I don’t really care who — and insist that they get me out of the jam I’m in because, after all … well, just because. And they should have to do it.
3) My office has to be nice — I mean really nice. And if I don’t like it, I need to be able to redecorate in any way I want to, sparing no expense. For all the hard work I’ll have to put in to fail in a big way, I should think it’s a no-brainer that if I want a real pony in my office (to complement my cowboy at the rodeo theme), I should be able to have one.
4) Two words: corporate jet.
4) I expect to get fired. That doesn’t worry me. But after I’m fired, I want to be able to take another job that draws on my experience at courting disaster and ignoring warning signs and gives me the same perks as I’ve outlined here.
Frankly, I dont think this is too much to ask for. And I know these jobs are out there. I’ve already got applications in at Citigroup and Merrill Lynch, but I’m wondering if maybe any of you know of any openings.
It’s gotta be quick, though. I already missed the boat on the Lehman Brothers thing, and I’m hearing rumors that the gravy train may not last much longer.